i need my momma.

this week has been a tough one in every way.
but the biggest heart break is knowing that it's been 7 years since my mom passed away.
ugh.
absolutely positively the worst week of my life.
she was my very best friend.
my very best cheerleader.
she knew exactly what i was thinking and feeling.
i miss being able to talk to her.
i miss her voice, her hugs, the way she said my name.
i miss everything about her...the good, the bad.
i never imagined that at the tender age of 22 i would show up to her apartment only to find her "sleeping".
i'm jealous of my aunt and my grandmother. they have so many "adult" memories of her.
and i basically only have my childhood memories of her.
she didn't get to see me all grown up.
and so i often panic.
i panic that those memories won't be enough to last me the rest of my life.
and then i get overwhelmed because i need her so very much right now.
i have so much i need to tell her.
for goodness sakes, i'm turning 30 this year and she's supposed to be here.
she's supposed to be here if/when i ever have kids.
she's just supposed to be here.
and yet, God had other plans, and i have to accept that.
and my head does, but my heart is far from accepting that she's never coming back.

mama, i miss you so much. words can't even express it. i think about you every single day. i miss you every second. i miss your smell of cherry blossoms. i miss your amazing hugs. i miss your laugh and your dinners. i miss your quirks. i just miss you, and for the record...i'm never going to be ok. 

ok went out the window the moment you left this world. i wonder sometimes if you knew how much i love you. i know that i meant the world to you, but did you know you meant the world to me?

i hope you do mama. i hope you do.

and i hope you know that i absolutely can not wait until i see your face again and we never have to say good bye. 

i love you more than anything in the world.