so much.

my brain is a crazy place right now.

there's so much in it that needs to come out and yet somehow i can't quite articulate it all.

for starters, i graduated! it. is. finished.

holla!

i can't express my happiness. and honestly, i'm quite proud of myself. i worked hard for this and had many a meltdown, but quitting wasn't an option. a few breaks along the way...yes. quitting, no. and so now it's not even a question i have to deal with. it's all done. praise jesus!

we headed to virginia for the ceremony - there was no way i wasn't walking across that stage!

my aunt and uncle came with us and that meant so very much. 

i was weepy and emotional for the whole ceremony. of course i was.

they had the spouses stand and be recognized for all their support along the way. that was awesome because poor chris endured so much during my schooling!

the sad part was when they had parents stand and talked about the parents praying their children through school.

and there i was, with no parents to stand for me.

it sucked to be honest. but, it is what it is.

and i got a t-shirt, so that's all that really matters, right?

hahahaha.

and so now, i've got lots of time on my hands.

lots of time to think....which is good and bad.

i have big big dreams that in some ways seem so close and others seem completely unattainable.

chris and i both are in a season of dreaming and trying to chase them. and that's scary.

so it would only be fitting to hang this right in our living room.

the hard part is trying to determine whether or not those dreams include children.

my last paper that i wrote for school was on the psychological effects of infertility on women.

i got an awesome grade on it, but it also made me realize just how deeply sad the roller coaster of infertility is. i just felt kind of pathetic after writing it. and 3 weeks later, the words of that paper are still haunting me. the bulk of this i'll save for another post on another day, but the gist of it is determining when enough is enough. 

so in this season of big dreams, my prayer has been that i only pursue the dreams placed in my heart by God. that anything i desire that isn't what He wants, that he would please remove the desire from my heart. and that means that i have to be willing to let go of my dream of a child if that's not what He has planned for me.

maybe His plan for me to be a mommy is traveling to orphanages and rocking babies in my lap.

maybe it's something so completely different that what i would have imagined.

no matter the outcome, i have to be willing to let go of the way i imagined my life to play out and fully embrace the life that God has planned for me.

you see, we can either hold so tightly to our own plans that we miss enormous blessings and intimacy with God, or...

...or we can fully embrace our trust in God and let Him have His way.

time and time again He has shown me that His ways are better than mine.

the choice is fully ours.

checking off the bucket list!

y'all. i've been a weepy mess this week.

there are quite a few factors to this madness:

PMS

the anniversary of mom's death

the anniversary of granddaddy's death

mother's day

a crazy work week

college graduation

vacation

all. this. week.

needless to say, my emotions and hormones and stress level have been on overload.

poor chris had to deal with my ugly cry at dinner last night.

he knows when that lip puckers up....it's a comin and there's no stopping it.

he saw it happening, and bless him, he said "oh no, no, no, please don't do that!"

bahahaha.

i bawled all over the land of public places yesterday.

the post office.

the mother's day card isle at walmart.

my couch.

the dinner table.

oy.

i think i'm a bit weepy in general because a major milestone is happening this week. 

i've been working on this dang bachelor's degree for 11.5 years.

seriously...who takes that long!?

but honestly, as i reflect, i'm kind of glad. 

i don't fit into a perfect mold and for far too long i kept trying to.

it's like that toddler toy where you try to match the wooden blocks with their shapes.

and i think i've finally let go of that for a bit.

and as i reflect, it brings me back to that lovely old 30 before 30 list that i created years ago.

i have 4 months left of being 30 and i've really done a lot.

in addition to the "x" marks, i accomplished a few others:

i got that other tattoo

i went to paris

i graduated college

i ran part of a 5k - that counts right?

i had those 30 days of quiet time with God - it was actually 42.

in all reality, i'm pretty proud of the things i have done in these 30 years.

it's been nothing short of adventurous.

i've lived in 3 states, moved 14 times.

we kind of go where the wind takes us.

we've traveled.

we've had fun.

and now, quite honestly, i'm a bit more excited for the next 30 years.

at some point, you have to stop desiring God's path for other people and embrace the one He has for you.

so to God, I say "let's do this."

Life is good around the table.

about couple of months ago I wrote THIS POST.
it was all about my desire for community.

it is amazing how when we speak something out loud, opportunities come to put it into action.
for the last month, my house has been a busy little greeter of people. friends. community.
and i am beyond grateful.

my heart has been so full.

i managed to finish reading bread and wine.

i know i keep talking about it, but it has quickly soared to the top of my list for favorite books EVER read. it just spoke to my soul in so many ways and i just felt full after reading it.

and i really, really, really want to be best friends forever with shauna niequist.
i think we'd be awesome together.

and i want to start a cooking club. the kind like she has with rich food and rich relationships.
i have ventured out in my cooking and that's just fabulous.
for instance, i made grilled pizza with roasted tomatoes, goat cheese, grilled chicken, fresh rosemary and balsamic vinegar. who am i?

i have purchased all of the ingredients to bake my own bread.

it's like a revival in my kitchen. and my heart. i can't get enough.

if you love jesus and food and the kitchen....please read this. for your soul. for your sanity. trust me, you need it.

and so, i leave you with this:

Sorry.

one of my favorite daily devotions is #SheReadsTruth. i seriously love them.
and during this Lenten season, they have launched a #SheSharesTruth experiment allowing all of us to ponder on a scripture and then share it with our community and the #SheReadsTruth community.
(click the photo to learn more).



this week, we were challenged to look through Psalm 38.
this particular psalm is one where David is truly anguished over the sin he has committed.
(remember? he had an affair, got her pregnant, and to cover it up, killed her husband? yeah, that one).

it made me think.
how often are we gut-stricken with remorse for our short comings.
i'll be the first to admit, there are times where i just throw up an "i'm sorry Lord" and continue on my way.
but shouldn't we be a little more remorseful?
shouldn't we care a bit more?

granted, i've never done anything like, say, kill a man.
so i'm sure that my level of  remorse would significantly increase with the level of horror that i do.
HOWEVER, didn't Jesus die the same horrid death for my so-called "insignificant" sins as he did for those that are much, much worse?
should my remorse not also be parallel with my thankfulness that i'm forgiven, either way?
i think so.
i also think many of us have become numb to our shortcomings.
selfishness. pride. self-righteousness.
what if we sincerely asked God to search our heart and show us the areas in which we need improvement?
what if we asked Him to show us the areas in which we needed Him most?
and like David, what if we decided to wait for God's answer?
what if?

good stuff all around.

for Lent this year, Chris and I are taking a social media break. 

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest are far too important in my life.

we don't really practice Lent, but it's a good time to reset and refresh.

we're 6 days in and yes, I'm missing my social media terribly, but I can say that life has much less drama when i'm not reading about everyone else's drama!

i deleted all the apps from my phone, so i catch myself opening my phone and then just staring because there's nothing good to do lol. all my photo apps don't matter if i can't push it to facebook or instagram.

really, the only other stuff i have on there is my period tracker and starbucks.

yep, not getting me very far.

clearly i needed this break.

but realistically, i'm trying to focus for this next month until Easter.

focus on what it is that God wants me to do.

what step does he want me to take?

and can i just say, it's amazing how much clearer you can hear God without all the distractions.

i asked, and he's delivering.

and i am absolutely paralyzed in fear.

just when i thought i had my control issues under control, God clearly shows me that i do not.

i spent a good 30 minutes ugly crying yesterday because i was scared. 

like scared to even say "ok God, I'll follow" because i have convinced myself that he will force me.

and by force me, i mean get me laid off from my job so i have to jump in with both feet.

but if it's God's plan, i know that he'll provide for me anyway.

oh my brain is so....human.

and i realize that this is all really vague, but i just need to get it out, so play along mmkay.

anyway, i tried to take a step and i signed up for a significant conference yesterday. that's gotta count for something.

but then there's the issue that much of my drama over it is put on by pms.

i mean i cried watching our dave ramsey class last night.

who am i kidding? i cry at that anyway.

speaking of dave, we're doing financial peace university right now. i kind of love it, but i'm nerdy like that. it's exciting to think of getting complete control of our money, and then completely overwhelming when you look at how much real debt we have.

i haven't yet had to make a student loan payment, so while i've always known it's out there, i've also never really counted it because it wasn't part of our monthly payments.

so today i actually logged in to get the total balance (for my 12 year bachelor's degree) and i just about passed out.

well....let the debt paying madness begin! i'm ready to call into his show and scream WE'RE DEBT FREE!!!!!!!!!

yeah, i cry every time someone does that too.

Looking Back - Could've, Should've, Would've

Have you ever experienced a time in your life that you wish you could return to?
For me, there is one specific season of my life that I would give anything to re-do.
My senior year in high school, I interned with my student ministry. And let me tell you, I was IN LOVE with that season of life. I met some of the most amazing people and had some of the most amazing friendships.
I had a couple of families that invited me in and loved me like their own.

I led an eighth grade girls bible study and mentored one of the girls. Her family, oh her family, I just adored them! I'll never forget her mom making me a cookie cake for my birthday and me crying like a baby for the love they poured out on me.

Then there was another friend of mine. We were inseparable for a time and I adored her family as well. The night I spoke with my dad for the first time ever, I immediately drove to her house and sat down with her and her mom talking through it all.

There was just something about that community of people that I absolutely still want to be wrapped in.

And I also believe that there are some friends that are there just for a season. And those people, oh those people served so much purpose in my life for that season.
It was a season when my step-dad, who had been in prison for 4 years, was coming home. It was high school graduation, and then meeting my biological dad for the first time. All in one year.

It was emotional. It was trying. I struggled with purpose. I struggled with acceptance.
But this community, this season that I had truly filled my cup. At times, my cup overflowed.

And I think the most devastating thing about it all is that I don't have relationships with any of those wonderful people anymore. And I'm not sure that any of them know what a profound impact they had on and in my life.

Even more devastating is that I am the only cause of not having those relationships. You see, I didn't date much in high school. Mom always told me I'd meet someone in college. And so when I went to college, I met someone the first day. And I compromised everything I believed for a stupid boy.
Those compromises ended friendships. It wasn't a bad end. It was just one of those things where you look up and everyone is gone....I didn't even realize it was happening.
I quit my internship for a boy.
I chose this boy over my passion.
To be clear, this boy was not my now husband. It was literally, just a stupid boy.
By far, the biggest mistake of my life.

I mean honestly, here I am eleven years later, and it still bothers me. It still breaks my heart because I let a boy destroy everything else that I needed so desperately.

I think there was a reason in the story of Sodom and Gomorrah that God told them not to look back.
Looking back brings heartbreak. Longing for what once was. When the reality is that we can't change the past. No matter how many apologies I offer, I can't go back to the way things were before I made poor decisions. Seasons of life have changed. Storms and sunshine come and go. And life goes on.
But often, I think about how differently things might have been had I been wise. Honestly, I don't know the answer.  Nor do I know what the main point of this post is.

What I do know is that scripture says time and time again to focus on looking forward.
We must learn from our past, but not stay there. We must free ourselves from the baggage we carry.
And we absolutely must press forward, for God is doing a new thing.

the stars in the sky

i love me some kari jobe.
like fo true....she's my girl.
she has a new album coming out in march and i simply can't wait.

she had an album come out a couple years ago called "where i find you" and it was just so perfectly everything i needed. every song is all about god's faithfulness and greatness even when life is tough.
and it's always my go-to when i'm feeling a little down.

one song i love in particular is called "stars in the sky". basically, it's all about god being in control....even the stars hang there until god tells them to. the sun shines because he told it to.

and that's what i'm trying to hard to be these days....the star that hangs there until He speaks. until He says MOVE.

but that's so hard.
oh my stupid humanity just wants to run now. jump now. MOVE now.

i'm ready to get the ball rolling in so many areas, and as soon as i think it's time, i am faced with more waiting.

truly, the motto of my life should be hurry up and wait.
it's like two steps forward, then stay still for a while.

this adventure or infertility has tested every part of my being.
and there's just something about the fact that this year will mark 10 years in the journey that makes me want to vomit.

five years, eight years, even nine years....i was dealing ok. and i'm still dealing ok...that's not the issue.
it's just that TEN YEARS seems so large. it seems like such a big, big number.
a big number with really no direction.
and so my prayer life lately has been consumed with asking for direction.
which way God? do we adopt? how will we pay for it?
do we keep seeking the help of doctors? how long? when do we say enough is enough?
when can i go adopt that whole orphanage in africa or haiti or russia or china?
when? when? when?

the only response my spirit hears is "not now".

and so, the question can't be "if not now, when?" in fact, i can't question it at all really.
my one and only response has to be: "ok God. Ok. I will wait. And I will praise you in the waiting."

and like the stars, i will hang there until He says move.

music is my life source.

I wish there could be a theme song that plays like the price is right or family feud to open up our tuesday tunes each week. that would be so fun!

y'all...let me tell you...my life is about entering a ridiculously busy and overwhelming season.

this should last until approximately may 10th, 2014. 

around 9 months.

if only it were for a baby lol! 

on may 10th i will be in my cap and gown graduating college!!! 

but these next two semesters are going to be redonk. that's the only way to put it. straight up pure redonk.

because there are other exciting adventures thrown into the mix too....like my cousin's wedding that i'm photographing and my trip to paris.

oh and let's not forget thanksgiving, christmas and easter.

so sunday was my last free night for a long time. and i spent it relaxing as much as i could while still being ridiculously anxious about this week. 

it's inevitable that i'm going to need extreme doses of jesus to get me through.

so i pretty much blew up the itunes store and loaded up on some new tunes to help me stay encouraged.

i'm in a season of life where i need some hard core worship times. 

that tends to get me through anything.

oh, what's that? you want to know what i bought?

well i'm glad you asked!

Bethel Music - "For the Sake of the World"

i just went ahead and bought the whole darn album. but a couple of my favorite songs from the album are:

Our Father and Closer.

mmmm. mmmm. mmmm. all i can say.

another album i bought "Revival" by Soulfire Revolution.

it's like hipster worship. but oh so good.

and yes i bought some individual songs to.

"Our Great God" by Casey Darnell.

Funny story - Casey and I actually worked together on staff at a church about 10-11 years ago. His now wife and I were very close and they are people that hold a super special place in my heart. Casey's music career has really taken off and i loved that we sang his song in church yesterday! 

"In Your Presence" by Elevation Worship. 

my gracious it's good. 

well i think that's enough for one day. i've got save something for future tuesday tunes ;)

hope some of these touch your heart and you buy them too!

let's chat friends...

i don't know about you, but this monday morning is rainy and dreary here in the mountains.
i haven't been sleeping well, so i doped up on some benadryl last night to help me out.
oh it helped me alright.
and now i must consume large quantities of caffeine to make it through the day....and we're just getting started!

but seriously.
let's chat for a minute.
there's just something i feel the need to share.

the message at church this weekend was all about prayer. but not the sappy formal kind.
the kind where God is ok if we scream and shout at him.
just like in a marriage, even if the only communication is fighting, you're still communicating. the relationship can still be fixed at that point.
sometimes people get so angry at God and just stop the communication all together.
don't do it. it's ok to cry, and scream, and be mad. it's ok. because he loves you enough to let you get it all out and then he meets you where you are.

don't believe me?
read your bible.

there are tons of times in the bible where people are mad at God and fuss at him.
David. Job. Jeremiah.

in fact, just a week or so ago, i said almost these exact words that Jeremiah said to God:
"O Lord, you misled me, and I allowed myself to be misled. You are stronger than I am and you overpowered me. Now I am mocked every day; everyone laughs at me" ~Jeremiah 20:7

and i think the message this weekend was God telling me that he heard me and it's ok.

a new friend told me something this weekend about her own walk with God and i just can't get it out of my head.
she was talking about how she strives to be better and makes a few steps forward then falls back like twenty. she said her life was like a dance with God. she was constantly messing up, stepping on his feet, trying to take the lead. but here's the kicker....she said, "Lauren, I know in my heart that God has told me he will dance with me. Even though I'm not great at it, he will still dance with me because he loves me that much."

i love that, so very much. maybe because it's so reflective of my walk as well.

C.S. Lewis said "lay before him what is in us, not what ought to be in us".

so friends, it's ok to let it all out. he'll dance this dance with us.

others - and the power they have

I have a problem.
this is nothing new, but something I have struggled with for years and years.

you see, i care far too much what others think of me.
i've always been a people pleaser. always. somewhere along the way i developed the need for people to think i was great. the mere thought that someone could ever say something bad about me crushes my spirit.

here lately, it's been getting in the way quite a bit.

i feel like it's the biggest thing keeping me stagnant in life these days.

and honestly, it's more about what family thinks about me than anything.

you know those people who are supposed to accept, love and encourage you no matter what.

but more times than not i feel that i spend my time justifying my life in order to get that acceptance, love and encouragement. 

whether it is true or not, that's how my heart perceives it.

i find that instead, i tend to keep everything i feel bottled up and only tell the necessities.

and as a result, i feel more disconnected from family than i ever have in my life.

and that's a really lonely place to be.

i know without a shadow of a doubt that God has awesome things in store for me and chris.

this life of ministry, well it's complicated.

and this past year has been one of the most stressful times of struggle i have encountered in a very, very long time.

and i feel like that people just don't get it.

i wish that someone would pick up the phone and say "hey, i know this is a tough time right now and I love you and will stand behind you no matter what" without ending it with some backhanded comment that infuriates me. 

and then i worry myself with the whispers that go on behind my back about what a ridiculous life i lead.

for all i know, there are none and i worry myself for nothing. if only that were the case.

i know that there are many of  you who struggle with this as well.

needing approval from others....or maybe just one person in your life in order to feel complete.

but God has never told me to care what others think.

He has only ever told me to focus on Him, and Him alone.

why is that so hard? why does my flesh fail so often?

even Jesus had to leave his hometown to do effective ministry.

is that because family always thinks they know the better path for you?

there's a song called God's Not Dead and the chorus is "my God's not dead, He's surely alive and He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion.."

and then I saw the quote above "The greatest fear in the world is of the opinions of others, and the moment you are unafraid of the crowd, you are no longer a sheep, you become a lion. A great roar arises in your heart, the roar of freedom"

if God is truly roaring inside of us, then it has to be compelling us to be different.

when i look at scripture, Jesus was made fun of and talked about behind his back - by the very people who were supposed to be on his side. he was thought to have been crazy or sacrilegious for hanging with the lowliest and dirtiest of people. YET HE DID NOT CARE. He let them talk.

Jesus experienced the struggles we have. He knows what it is like to be scoffed at.

At the end of the day, if I know that God is pleased with me and that I have His approval, then nothing else matters.

No one else's opinion of me matters.

It's time to stop living in the bondage of what I think others think of me and live in freedom....roaring freedom.

And then there's Katy Perry. She released her new single yesterday and it's oh so perfect. You should listen to ROAR

Today's The Day

tonight i'm sharing my story with a citywide ministry in our town.

this is my first time speaking publicly (well other than on the blog) about infertility.

my message tonight is one of hope.

it's me, taking the hand of cards i've been dealt and trying to help others.

and i am seriously so excited.

i have been praying that God would make sure that the people who need to hear my message are there.

and i am so looking forward to whatever comes as a result.

so here's to letting go and letting God.

yes please.

speaking of the infertility...

jessah over at dreaming of dimples has created a new version of the instagram photo a day for us infertile myrtles. i'll be joining in the fun and hope you will too! 

Share Time!

hello sweet friends.

i am so happy to be sharing a snippet of my infertility journey over at The Whimsy One today.

i'd love if you'd pop over and show some love.

xoxo,

Lauren

Here's the post in case you didn't pop over ;)

Hi there. I'm Lauren and I'm so excited to be sharing here today.

Where to start? Well, my husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. Shortly after we married I went off of birth control. Within a year I had gained 65 pounds! So at my annual OB/GYN appointment, my doctor was alarmed to say the least. After several tests, we discovered I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and for the last 8 years or so, we've been actively trying to get pregnant with no success.

To say these last few years have been a roller coaster ride would be quite the understatement.

There's the constant comparison to others, the brain tricking you into thinking you have pregnancy symptoms and the consequent negative pregnancy tests (an in my case, negative ovulation tests). 

There's the people who have no idea what you're going through try to comfort you with words like "it's just not God's time" or "well you should drink the water here, everyone gets pregnant", and so on.

Bless their hearts, I know they mean well, but to a lady living this struggle day in and day out, those words really just make me want to punch them in the face.

Or my favorite are the people who ask "well do you not want children?". I'm not even going to offer a response to that one. ;)

A couple of years ago I hit my ultimate breaking point. My "infertility rock bottom" if you will. There were 27 people that I personally knew all pregnant at the same time. I started keeping a list and for a while it was just comical.

You have to laugh right?

Well that was until Thanksgiving. One thing you may not know about us infertile women is that we have a sixth sense about pregnancy. We can sense a pregnant lady a mile away. 

About two weeks before Thanksgiving I told my husband I thought his cousin was pregnant. I had not had any contact with her in months, but just had a feeling. He thought I was crazy.

And wouldn't you know at the family dinner we all got a little card handed to us. I just looked at my husband and you could see the color drain from his face. It was in fact a pregnancy announcement. I held it together pretty well and then excused myself to the bathroom. When that bathroom door closed, the wall holding back my tears burst.

Then came the water works/hysterical crying/blood shot eyes...the whole kit and caboodle. I managed to just leave without having to face anyone. 

I felt TERRIBLE, because I honestly 100% did not want to take any attention away from her special day.

But I think actually seeing our family's reaction and the reality that I may never see that for a baby of my own just completely broke me. And for the next 6 hours, there I was...rock bottom.

Over the last couple of years, I have come to be in a much better place emotionally with this fate I've been given. I've come to a place of accepting the unacceptable.

The unacceptable that my body is broken. That I can't provide a baby for my husband. That I can't do what I was created to do.

I believe with all that's in me that God knows how my story ends. 

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

And if I believe that He has a plan and a purpose for everything, then I have to trust Him in this area of my life as well.

I have to love Him even if I never receive the greatest desire of my heart. I cannot wallow in what has or has not happened. My pity parties are contradicting to my belief that God has written my story.

So I have accepted the future God has for me, baby or no baby. I trust Him enough that He only gives us His best and that His future for me is so much more than my mind can fathom.

And so I cling to His promises. Ephesians 3:20 - "God is able. He can do anything you know, far more than you could ever hope or imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams."

So sweet sisters on this rough, rocky infertile road, I want to encourage you. Don't lose hope. Hope is never truly lost...we just sometimes lose the ability to see it. God's not done with us yet.

triggers.

i am always completely amazed at what triggers a memory.

the smell of grape jelly immediately takes me back to being a young child watching the disney channel while eating a pb&j or toast with grape jelly.

a song that can take you back to a specific time so much that you can smell what it smelt like and feel what it felt like.

the mind is fascinating.
and life is filled with so many special moments.
moments that we often take for granted and experience like a fluttering butterfly.
and probably most that we'll never really think on again until some random song or food or smell triggers it.

i often tell myself that i really need to live each day. really embrace and hold onto every single moment.
because all the while in my mundane day to day life, nothing really seems super special.
but it is. every single moment is.
every moment is a gift from god himself, no matter how insignificant our human eyes may perceive it.

and so i challenge you (and myself) to really embrace today.
it's monday.
it's a new week.
and that's a perfect time to start something new.

hold onto every moment of today, tonight, tomorrow....good or bad...happy or sad.
live the moments you're given.
feel them. remember them.
after all, they are gifted to you.

It's A Fab Friday!

happy friday lovelies! 

i couldn't be happier to see the weekend!

i've got goodness to share with you today friends.

i'm thankful for new adventures ~

so as you know, hubs and i moved to north carolina in april. we moved to be part of a church plant that we felt god was calling us to. and we love it. however, what i may not have shared is that chris was/is receiving no salary from our church. again, it was something we felt strongly about. the idea was that chris would do freelance work on the side to help out with additional income.we readjusted our budget so that we lived solely off of my pay - but in this economy, that's a scary burden. while on vacation a few weeks ago, we discussed this quite a bit, as the freelance work hadn't taken off quite like we hoped. and so, chris began looking online for creative job openings in our area. the only one he pursued was with earth fare - it's a health food supermarket like whole foods or fresh market. their corporate office is in our new town. an application and 2 interviews later, he got the job! he's the new visual media producer. he's in charge of filming and designing commercials/specials and anything else they might need. this week was his first week and he's so excited about it. yes, we're most definitely still at the church, but this allows us to build up some savings and i'm thrilled about that!

i'm thankful for provision!

in staying on topic with earth fare, we get an awesome discount on groceries. i can not begin to tell how excited that makes me! i get to buy all organic greatness for cheap! woohoo!

i'm excited for awesome opportunities

a few posts back i talked about doing more and talking less. well i'm so excited about an opportunity i have at the end of this month. each month, our church hosts a citywide women's event. it's ladies from all over the community and all other churches, where women can just be encouraged and refreshed. the event is called radiance. and this month, i get the awesome privilege to speak on my testimony regarding our struggle with infertility. my ultimate goal in doing this is to create a network of ladies struggling with the same and have an avenue to encourage them. it's so cool because i've already met two ladies in my church that have pcos. it's like i was meant to be here ;)

i'm thrilled for the weekend

there's a bbq festival this weekend y'all! we're planning on attending - it's in the next town over and apparently, it's a pretty big deal. and chris is all about a festival dedicated to meat! if we go, you better believe i'll post all about it next week!

the power of words

words...they're a bit of a phenomenon to me.
in one sense, they are very powerful. words can speak life or death.
completely build someone up or shatter them. but on the other hand, words can mean a whole lot of nothing.
just wastes of breath.
words...holding no meaning.
me and jesus have been talking a lot lately.
the gist of our convos have been less talking, more doing. mmmm.
i have a lot of things that i am very passionate about. photography.
orphans. infertility. adoption. changing the world.
and i know that i talk a lot about these things, yet what am i actually doing about them?
so my prayer and desire lately is to do more and talk less.
if i'm so passionate about things, then let my actions do the speaking.
i'm slowly getting started and it feels good.
it feels good to do.

i've been praying for god to show me what to do. where to begin.
and he has...and we're taking baby steps. which is hard, because i want to jump in and do it all.
but history proves that when i do that, i get overwhelmed and stop it all rather quickly.
so maybe god is setting me up to be successful.
i like the sound of that. ;)

you know as i think back through my goals over the years, the goals themselves have been great but the execution is another story.
we're halfway through 2013 and my goals are just now getting started.
i created a 30 before 30 list like 4 years ago and have left so many things undone.
i set off on lofty diets and "lifestyle" changes, yet the numbers are the scale are going up instead of down.
and so...talk is cheap.
it's time to do.

honestly, at this point, what do i have to lose?

thankfulness.

source

so as i mentioned last week, i've been reading this book called "one thousand gifts".

it's definitely something i've needed in this particular season of life.

i am getting so much out of it. seriously.

as ann voskamp, the author, says, ingratitude is the basis of sin.

and it's so true.

when i decide what i have, where i am, who i am isn't what I want, then i make choices that are not in line with what God has planned for me.

my life is not my story to rewrite.

it has already been written.

when we take a moment to stop, be still, and actually notice the very many gifts of this life, we enter a state of full living.

"we will never experience the fullness of our salvation until we experience the fullness of our thanks everyday."

so friends, there's something to be said for the old saying "stop and smell the roses".

i urge you....stop, be still, and take in every moment. every, single moment.

Gifts. A Thousand of Them.

wheweee! yesterday's post was a bit heavy, for me at least.
but joy comes in the morning right?

i'll be sitting on the beach in 4 glorious days, so joy it is!
school is done til june, so i literally have a month to do things at my leisure.
and believe you me, my kindle app is dying for me to read the stuff i've been adding for "later" the last few months!

one book that i just couldn't wait til the beach to start is called "one thousand gifts" by ann voskamp.
i have been chomping at the bits for this one.
it seems like i've seen it everywhere in my life lately and a few people i know have read it and raved about it.
so sunday night i dove in.
and while i'm only a few chapters in, can i just tell you that it's totally rocking my world.
like seriously cutting me to the core.
and it's only adding to my whole "accepting the unacceptable" outlook.
it's beautiful.

i've been writing pages of notes as i read because i don't want to forget these things.
the sheer power of thanksgiving.
not the holiday, the action.
the realization that it is through our thankfulness that we experiences the fullness of our salvation.
mmm.

can i get an amen up in here?

i feel pretty confident that this book is going to be making lots of appearances here...it's just too good not to share.
and you should definitely jump on the wagon too!

***i was not paid nor did i receive any incentives for sharing about "one thousand gifts". i truly am loving it and simply wanted to pass the love onto you all fine people!***

accepting the unacceptable.

the past few weeks have been interesting.
oh who am i kidding? the last year has been interesting....to say the least.
god, my sweet, loving god, has really been doing a number on my heart.

you see, there are few things my husband forbids me to do.
watching "a baby story" on TLC is one of them.
for me, and my issue with infertility, it just takes me to a bad place.
and the other day while he was gone, i watched not one, but two episodes.
knowing full well what would happen.

you guessed it.
the ugly cry.
and then comes the yelling at god.
it's really not a pretty situation.
and i was thinking through the scriptures i've read over the years to get me through and had a bit of a "moment" if you will.
i've often found comfort in the stories of sarah and elizabeth in the bible that struggled with infertility.
i've found comfort that somehow my issues were included in the bible.
but there is one major difference in both of their stories versus mine.
god promised them a child.
and well, he has not made that promise to me.
if you thought i was having an ugly cry before, you should have seen me once this popped in my head.

so then, what if i never have a child?
and i told god that i would still serve and praise him even if the one desire of my heart was something i never received.
even if i never had the opportunity to hear my baby cry for the first time, or have a baby shower, or have family completely smitten with my little one.

but it goes further than that.
a huge fear of mine for as long as i can remember has been having a child with down syndrome.
even as a child, i have had a huge heart for people with disabilities.
over the past few years, my heart for children with down syndrome has grown even more.
likewise, for as long as i can remember, i've always "feared" that because of my heart for these children, i would have one as my own.
and as luck, or god, would have it, i'm currently working on a paper/speech for class about the mistreatment of children with down syndrome in other countries.
through my research i read that the older you are when getting pregnant increases the chances of having a child with DS.
but something happened in my heart last thursday night.
while finalizing my speech, i thought, what if god is making me wait for this reason?
and i moved from "fear" to "acceptance".

some words i used to fuss at chris earlier in the day, came back to haunt me.

if i truly believe that god has ordained my steps and is in control of my life, then i cannot wallow in what happened or hasn't happened. my pity parties are contradicting my belief that god knows the ending to my story.
and so, i accepted the future god has for me.
baby or no baby.
disability or no disability.
whatever it may be, i trust god enough that he gives us his best.

and while there may be days where my heart is completely shattered, i pray that i will remember this moment.
god's future for me is more than my mind can dream.
i know this. i believe this. i trust this.