so much.

my brain is a crazy place right now.
there's so much in it that needs to come out and yet somehow i can't quite articulate it all.

for starters, i graduated! it. is. finished.
i can't express my happiness. and honestly, i'm quite proud of myself. i worked hard for this and had many a meltdown, but quitting wasn't an option. a few breaks along the way...yes. quitting, no. and so now it's not even a question i have to deal with. it's all done. praise jesus!
we headed to virginia for the ceremony - there was no way i wasn't walking across that stage!
my aunt and uncle came with us and that meant so very much. 
i was weepy and emotional for the whole ceremony. of course i was.
they had the spouses stand and be recognized for all their support along the way. that was awesome because poor chris endured so much during my schooling!
the sad part was when they had parents stand and talked about the parents praying their children through school.
and there i was, with no parents to stand for me.
it sucked to be honest. but, it is what it is.
and i got a t-shirt, so that's all that really matters, right?

and so now, i've got lots of time on my hands.
lots of time to think....which is good and bad.
i have big big dreams that in some ways seem so close and others seem completely unattainable.
chris and i both are in a season of dreaming and trying to chase them. and that's scary.
so it would only be fitting to hang this right in our living room.

the hard part is trying to determine whether or not those dreams include children.
my last paper that i wrote for school was on the psychological effects of infertility on women.
i got an awesome grade on it, but it also made me realize just how deeply sad the roller coaster of infertility is. i just felt kind of pathetic after writing it. and 3 weeks later, the words of that paper are still haunting me. the bulk of this i'll save for another post on another day, but the gist of it is determining when enough is enough. 

so in this season of big dreams, my prayer has been that i only pursue the dreams placed in my heart by God. that anything i desire that isn't what He wants, that he would please remove the desire from my heart. and that means that i have to be willing to let go of my dream of a child if that's not what He has planned for me.

maybe His plan for me to be a mommy is traveling to orphanages and rocking babies in my lap.
maybe it's something so completely different that what i would have imagined.
no matter the outcome, i have to be willing to let go of the way i imagined my life to play out and fully embrace the life that God has planned for me.

you see, we can either hold so tightly to our own plans that we miss enormous blessings and intimacy with God, or...
...or we can fully embrace our trust in God and let Him have His way.
time and time again He has shown me that His ways are better than mine.

the choice is fully ours.

1 comment:

  1. Congrats on graduating! I definitely feel your pain on that and I'm genuinely excited for you!