the stars in the sky

i love me some kari jobe.
like fo true....she's my girl.
she has a new album coming out in march and i simply can't wait.

she had an album come out a couple years ago called "where i find you" and it was just so perfectly everything i needed. every song is all about god's faithfulness and greatness even when life is tough.
and it's always my go-to when i'm feeling a little down.

one song i love in particular is called "stars in the sky". basically, it's all about god being in control....even the stars hang there until god tells them to. the sun shines because he told it to.

and that's what i'm trying to hard to be these days....the star that hangs there until He speaks. until He says MOVE.

but that's so hard.
oh my stupid humanity just wants to run now. jump now. MOVE now.

i'm ready to get the ball rolling in so many areas, and as soon as i think it's time, i am faced with more waiting.

truly, the motto of my life should be hurry up and wait.
it's like two steps forward, then stay still for a while.

this adventure or infertility has tested every part of my being.
and there's just something about the fact that this year will mark 10 years in the journey that makes me want to vomit.

five years, eight years, even nine years....i was dealing ok. and i'm still dealing ok...that's not the issue.
it's just that TEN YEARS seems so large. it seems like such a big, big number.
a big number with really no direction.
and so my prayer life lately has been consumed with asking for direction.
which way God? do we adopt? how will we pay for it?
do we keep seeking the help of doctors? how long? when do we say enough is enough?
when can i go adopt that whole orphanage in africa or haiti or russia or china?
when? when? when?

the only response my spirit hears is "not now".

and so, the question can't be "if not now, when?" in fact, i can't question it at all really.
my one and only response has to be: "ok God. Ok. I will wait. And I will praise you in the waiting."

and like the stars, i will hang there until He says move.

the power of words

words...they're a bit of a phenomenon to me.
in one sense, they are very powerful. words can speak life or death.
completely build someone up or shatter them. but on the other hand, words can mean a whole lot of nothing.
just wastes of breath.
words...holding no meaning.
me and jesus have been talking a lot lately.
the gist of our convos have been less talking, more doing. mmmm.
i have a lot of things that i am very passionate about. photography.
orphans. infertility. adoption. changing the world.
and i know that i talk a lot about these things, yet what am i actually doing about them?
so my prayer and desire lately is to do more and talk less.
if i'm so passionate about things, then let my actions do the speaking.
i'm slowly getting started and it feels good.
it feels good to do.

i've been praying for god to show me what to do. where to begin.
and he has...and we're taking baby steps. which is hard, because i want to jump in and do it all.
but history proves that when i do that, i get overwhelmed and stop it all rather quickly.
so maybe god is setting me up to be successful.
i like the sound of that. ;)

you know as i think back through my goals over the years, the goals themselves have been great but the execution is another story.
we're halfway through 2013 and my goals are just now getting started.
i created a 30 before 30 list like 4 years ago and have left so many things undone.
i set off on lofty diets and "lifestyle" changes, yet the numbers are the scale are going up instead of down.
and so...talk is cheap.
it's time to do.

honestly, at this point, what do i have to lose?

Show Us Your Life - Adoption

many of you know that one of my favorite blogs is kelly's korner.
every friday she hosts a link-up called "show us your life" and each week is a different topic.
i participate every now and then, you know when i think i have something good to write about.
i've mentioned a couple times about my heart for adoption.
over the last year, especially the last couple of months, god has been doing something crazy in my heart.
so you can imagine my excitement/surprise/"ok god" when i saw that this week's SUYL was adoption.
i'm surrounded by it!

but i am so excited about this link up because i'm really hoping to meet up with some cool chicas that can offer a glimpse into this crazy adoption world.

chris and i are at the very, very beginning stages. the whole process is so overwhelming.
like seriously, i don't even know where to start.
come to find out, our church has a whole adoption ministry, so we're hoping to meet up with someone there just to get an overview of what all is involved, and then determine where to go from there.

i think we're pretty set on international.
oh wow.

it's really weird with everything going on in my heart.
as you know we saw a fertility specialist back in november, and he thinks we have lots of hope.
but i honestly have absolutely no desire to do anything with that right now.
of course i'd love to have a baby biologically someday, but the pull of adoption is so strong on my heart right now, i just feel that's where god wants us to start.
i don't want to adopt as a result of fertility issues.
i don't ever want my child to think they were our plan b.
my heart has just been so broken over the hundreds of thousands of orphans in this world and to know that i could give at least one a home....well that makes one less child without love.

to be honest, this step is very scary.
there are lots of hoops to jump through.
lots of funds to come up with.
but i've got some faith in jesus.
and we've got some ideas.

so at this point, we're just trying to do some homework...researching and praying.
just trying to get a picture of what this road looks like. and as scary as it is, it's as equally exciting.
breathe in. breathe out. it's a lot.

if it bothers you, do something

do something. seems simple enough.

god has really been messing with my heart in a fierce way.
there are a couple of things in this world that completely wreck and break my heart.
and i'm greatly compelled to do something about it. but generally i don't.
yeah it's great to have things that move us, and bring us to tears about the injustice of it.
but to cry about it isn't enough.
at least that's what god stirred in my heart as i was moved to tears about something this week.
crying about it doesn't change anything.
as christians we are commanded to take care of the orphans and widows. commanded to share the gospel unto all the world.
commanded to love one another and assist others in their time of need.

commanded.

so sitting back and crying because there are babies with no mothers to love them isn't enough.
crying about it doesn't give them a family. or a good home. or good nutrition and medical treatment.

i seriously love how god works.
wouldn't you know that our pastor said those very words in the message this weekend?
the same thing god had stirred in my heart for days prior.

so it's time to get up and do something.
what may that be? at this point, i have no idea.
but it's definitely time to put this ever growing passion into action.

the beauty of love.

i ran across this video the other day on Two Hoots & a Holler.
it is by far one of the most beautiful stories i've ever seen.
it's no secret that adoption does something serious to my heart.
i want to partake in it more and more each day.
do yourself a favor and spend the next 6 minutes watching this.
I can only hope that i may be able to show the love of Christ in just a fraction compared to these people.
it's intense. and your mascara will run. but it will be worth it.