accepting the unacceptable.

the past few weeks have been interesting.
oh who am i kidding? the last year has been interesting....to say the least.
god, my sweet, loving god, has really been doing a number on my heart.

you see, there are few things my husband forbids me to do.
watching "a baby story" on TLC is one of them.
for me, and my issue with infertility, it just takes me to a bad place.
and the other day while he was gone, i watched not one, but two episodes.
knowing full well what would happen.

you guessed it.
the ugly cry.
and then comes the yelling at god.
it's really not a pretty situation.
and i was thinking through the scriptures i've read over the years to get me through and had a bit of a "moment" if you will.
i've often found comfort in the stories of sarah and elizabeth in the bible that struggled with infertility.
i've found comfort that somehow my issues were included in the bible.
but there is one major difference in both of their stories versus mine.
god promised them a child.
and well, he has not made that promise to me.
if you thought i was having an ugly cry before, you should have seen me once this popped in my head.

so then, what if i never have a child?
and i told god that i would still serve and praise him even if the one desire of my heart was something i never received.
even if i never had the opportunity to hear my baby cry for the first time, or have a baby shower, or have family completely smitten with my little one.

but it goes further than that.
a huge fear of mine for as long as i can remember has been having a child with down syndrome.
even as a child, i have had a huge heart for people with disabilities.
over the past few years, my heart for children with down syndrome has grown even more.
likewise, for as long as i can remember, i've always "feared" that because of my heart for these children, i would have one as my own.
and as luck, or god, would have it, i'm currently working on a paper/speech for class about the mistreatment of children with down syndrome in other countries.
through my research i read that the older you are when getting pregnant increases the chances of having a child with DS.
but something happened in my heart last thursday night.
while finalizing my speech, i thought, what if god is making me wait for this reason?
and i moved from "fear" to "acceptance".

some words i used to fuss at chris earlier in the day, came back to haunt me.

if i truly believe that god has ordained my steps and is in control of my life, then i cannot wallow in what happened or hasn't happened. my pity parties are contradicting my belief that god knows the ending to my story.
and so, i accepted the future god has for me.
baby or no baby.
disability or no disability.
whatever it may be, i trust god enough that he gives us his best.

and while there may be days where my heart is completely shattered, i pray that i will remember this moment.
god's future for me is more than my mind can dream.
i know this. i believe this. i trust this.