just a touch.

i have a plethora of emotions today - this whole week actually. since they don't happen in an organized matter, my post probably won't be very organized. so try to follow along mmkay? typically i try to keep it happy here. but i also get really tired of the norm of our society to put on a happy face and pretend life is peachy. sometimes its not. and this is my space to be real. 13 weeks........that's the number of weeks i've been on my period. yes you read that right. 13 loooong weeks. 2 weeks....the amount of time it's been raining nonstop in our town. i need sunshine in my soul. 10 days....the number of days i've been taking a hormone prescription to help my "issue". when you add those three together, it is the making of a perfect storm in my soul. and what a storm it's been. just when i think i've gotten to a better place with infertility, i come completely unraveled. i'm in the midst of another baby boom with my friend/family group and they're all delivering this week...or so it seems. i think a piece of the problem is that i haven't even been able to "try" for the last 3 months. chris isn't ready for adoption, and even if he were, we have no money. all roads are blocked. barricaded. roads closed. ugh. i am literally the woman with the issue of bleeding. and just like the woman who suffered this in the Bible, i know that if i could just touch the hem of Jesus' robe, i too could be healed. just a touch. her faith healed her. i can't imagine what her faith must have been because i feel like mine is so strong. how much stronger must it be and how does it even get there? then there was the shouting match with god. i literally screamed into a pillow. i felt if i could just scream i'd feel better. but that just exhausted me. and well that completely freaked out the dog who came running and pulled out my hair in an attempt to pull my head out of the pillow. epic. and just like the wonder satan is, he kicked me hard while i was down. told me i was worthless. and i believed him. because i honestly have no idea what i want to do with my life. and i'll be 30 in exactly 60 days. 30 years old and i feel like just a big mess. to which i screamed at God about begging for direction. i fear that i am in a time that God is choosing to be quiet. and i really need him to not be quiet right now. i need him to literally walk by and let me touch him. just a touch could change everything. and maybe that's what frustrates me the most. i know that he could make it all change with just a touch, yet he chooses not to. while i know he has my story written and knows the ending for me, there are some days that simply suck.

1 comment:

  1. I'm not married so I can't understand the pain of infertility. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It sucks. :(

    I felt somewhat of the same way when I turned 30 last year though. I felt stuck. I think i even blogged about it, but i'm not handy enough to find the link.

    Anywho things got worse the month after my birthday and then just a few months after that the heavens opened and glory sang, or at least thats what it felt like! I was finally able to get out of my stuck and do what I've been dreaming of for 13 years. and I am so so SO much happier now.

    Hang in there. It sucks. It really does.