I Finally Understand

It's no secret here that I struggle with infertility.
For years, I've heard about how difficult and tolling it can be on you.
And while I've had my bad days, I've never really felt the stress and pressure on myself or my marriage that you so often hear about.
That is until Tuesday.
For the first time, I went to a very dark place about it and I finally get it.

Tuesday, I completely broke down.
The pressure that the reason we struggle to get pregnant is MY body.
The pressure that maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I'm too fat, etc. etc. etc.
And then the dirty old disgusting Satan threw in the F word.
I'm a failure. It's my fault. I'm not doing something right, or enough, or with the right attitude.
And can I tell you just how much that completely wrecked me?
Mind you, this was all going on in my head. This wasn't a fight with Chris or anything like that.
Chris has never ever once blamed me.
But Tuesday, I blamed me.
And it is by far the most lonely place I've ever been.
The one thing we desire the most is the one thing that we don't know if we'll ever have, because of me.

Now pretty quickly I snapped back to Jesus and I know that all of the above is far from the truth.
But it's like Satan knew just how to attack....just how to hit me in my gut.
And I'd be lying if I said I was A-Ok.
I'm not.
I have been fighting those thoughts of failure all.week.long.
I downloaded a ridiculous amount of church podcasts and have been submersed in preaching the whole work day.
But stupid Satan knows how to slip in and it's just awful.
I know I'm not a failure.
I know that I have the power to overcome because my Jesus always overcomes.
I know that the end of my story is victory.

It's been a week.
I called to talk with a fertility clinic this week.
I don't want to live ignorantly in all this, and while I think there's a fine line in the life of fertility when it comes to treatment options, I still don't just want to sit back and wait.
So I decided I would at least set up a consultation just to see what options we had.
Yeah...that has the potential to cost $315 because we don't know what insurance will cover.

Then in doing some research, I decided that I would see a chiropractor to help. I mean it makes sense...if your back is jacked up, which mine is, then the brain can't send the nerve signals where they need to go. So if I straighten that out, it might help get some signals to my ovaries.
Well I had my consultation for that and we're looking at $200 a month.
Cha-Ching. Cha-Ching.

I am in no way ready for all these financial commitments to get the help I need.
And if I can't do those amounts, we surely can't even consider adopting.
I feel like I am holding on to a tree in the center of a tornado.
And I have no idea which way to go....so I don't go at all.

And then to top it all off....I burned all of the curl out of my hair!
It's true.
And in a lot of ways, my curls are a huge part of my identity.
And now they're gone because I straightened it and got the curling iron too hot and now I look like a lion that has been in the wilderness for weeks with no grooming.
So now my treatment is to let my hair air dry with no heat for at least a week.
Do you have any idea how out of control that is???????
So hopefully the treatment will work! I need a break some where!


  1. You are not a failure and you need to stop thinking those thoughts right now! I was going to suggest adoption, but you have already covered that.

    Stay positive. You have a path that you are fulfilling even if it does not have the outcome YOU want. My prediction is not IF but WHEN you have children they are going to bring something extra special to your life.

    This may sound silly, but you know how they say when you arent looking for love you find it? Have you ever approached this that way?

  2. Oh baby, I'm so sorry for your struggles this week. If there were a way to physically smack Satan upside the head and tell him to shove it, well, we probably wouldn't have half the mental anguish we heap upon ourselves.

    Yes, fertility treatment is expensive, but not impossibly so. You and Chris can work it out.

    The curl thing? I've done it a few times myself. Deep conditioning, as in olive oil, mayonnaise or egg yolks can fix it right up. Google homemade deep hair conditioners for recipes. Then give the straightener away. ;)

    Hang in there, Sweetie. All will be well.