once upon a time....

....i had this blog that i liked to write on.

but somewhere along the way i decided i needed something stupid, you know, like a degree.
and it has now become an all consuming facet of my life.
the sad reality is that it's a degree that i have no earthly idea what i will do with...it just must be finished.

and well then there was a few other big ticket items happening in my little world.
so bottom line is i'm just a bit overwhelmed with life at the moment.
and i can't really put together coherent thoughts.
don't believe me?
you should see my face.
it's broken out like a teen in the trenches of puberty.
pretty gross actually.

i'm a winner, what can i say?

last weekend was holli's fabulous wedding....and one day i'll devote a whole post to it!
it was a fun, but whirlwind trip.

and with that i'm off to write another stupid research paper and do some work for my real job...you know, the one that pays the bills.

peace out homies.

I Finally Understand

It's no secret here that I struggle with infertility.
For years, I've heard about how difficult and tolling it can be on you.
And while I've had my bad days, I've never really felt the stress and pressure on myself or my marriage that you so often hear about.
That is until Tuesday.
For the first time, I went to a very dark place about it and I finally get it.

Tuesday, I completely broke down.
The pressure that the reason we struggle to get pregnant is MY body.
The pressure that maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I'm too fat, etc. etc. etc.
And then the dirty old disgusting Satan threw in the F word.
Failure.
I'm a failure. It's my fault. I'm not doing something right, or enough, or with the right attitude.
And can I tell you just how much that completely wrecked me?
Mind you, this was all going on in my head. This wasn't a fight with Chris or anything like that.
Chris has never ever once blamed me.
But Tuesday, I blamed me.
And it is by far the most lonely place I've ever been.
The one thing we desire the most is the one thing that we don't know if we'll ever have, because of me.

Now pretty quickly I snapped back to Jesus and I know that all of the above is far from the truth.
But it's like Satan knew just how to attack....just how to hit me in my gut.
And I'd be lying if I said I was A-Ok.
I'm not.
I have been fighting those thoughts of failure all.week.long.
I downloaded a ridiculous amount of church podcasts and have been submersed in preaching the whole work day.
But stupid Satan knows how to slip in and it's just awful.
I know I'm not a failure.
I know that I have the power to overcome because my Jesus always overcomes.
I know that the end of my story is victory.

It's been a week.
I called to talk with a fertility clinic this week.
I don't want to live ignorantly in all this, and while I think there's a fine line in the life of fertility when it comes to treatment options, I still don't just want to sit back and wait.
So I decided I would at least set up a consultation just to see what options we had.
Yeah...that has the potential to cost $315 because we don't know what insurance will cover.
Cha-Ching.

Then in doing some research, I decided that I would see a chiropractor to help. I mean it makes sense...if your back is jacked up, which mine is, then the brain can't send the nerve signals where they need to go. So if I straighten that out, it might help get some signals to my ovaries.
Well I had my consultation for that and we're looking at $200 a month.
Cha-Ching. Cha-Ching.

I am in no way ready for all these financial commitments to get the help I need.
And if I can't do those amounts, we surely can't even consider adopting.
I feel like I am holding on to a tree in the center of a tornado.
And I have no idea which way to go....so I don't go at all.

And then to top it all off....I burned all of the curl out of my hair!
It's true.
And in a lot of ways, my curls are a huge part of my identity.
And now they're gone because I straightened it and got the curling iron too hot and now I look like a lion that has been in the wilderness for weeks with no grooming.
So now my treatment is to let my hair air dry with no heat for at least a week.
Do you have any idea how out of control that is???????
So hopefully the treatment will work! I need a break some where!

Life of Who?

october 30th.
yep, that was the last time i blogged.
i'm a very bad blogger!
in my defense, life has been quite the adventure the last several months.
most days i didn't know if i was coming or going!
but i'm back now....i think.
there has been crazy work hours, crazy photo hours, crazy meltdowns.....you know, typical for this time of year!
maybe if i blog about everything one at a time that'll be enough material to get me blogging back on schedule!
i just got back from an awesome week in texas visiting my family, so i have lots to share and lots of photos to show!
but until then........sleep tight!

You Win Some, You Lose Some

OK, so the last few months have been quite the ride. Back in March Chris lost his job and just started his new job (or "yob" as the Latinos say) yesterday. He loves it! Thank God!!!! So, about a month ago, we moved in with his parents so we could save some money. WOW is all I can say. I've never lived with more than 2 other people, and when I did it was my mom and step dad, and my step dad doesn't even really count as a person (yeah, he had personality). Now I'm living with 5 other people! Let me just say, it's tough. We found an apartment we like, so now we've got to work out the details. I think it's best for my sanity and for the sake of the family for us to live elsewhere. I just might snap on somebody......and that would not be good!
On a happier note, school starts for me on Saturday. I am so incredibly excited! I'm finally starting my major courses--it's like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Side note: Stepbrothers is the funniest movie I've seen in a long time. I love it!!!

That is all. More to come tomorrow.